Here I am, feel pain in my heart (u know this heart thing? I bet you don’t). Why should I have this god damn thought? It surely has a long term effect on my next entire life in the future. I believe this is going to be the basic of my entire step journey, I can’t ignore, or disobey it. It somehow has power to control all my conducting activities. This even controls my perception of everything, everywhere, anytime.
This thought thing (I’m sorry I can’t tell you specific) has been entering my mind since says 5 years ago. I can tell you how this could happen, but it’s not important anymore. The fact is, it’s been here now, and I’m pretty sure I can’t change the way it is. I used to live in a fairy tale, but at least have a purpose. Now I begin an unpurpose life, but somehow more realistic. Which one is better?
Oh, I wished I didn’t have such a smart brain so I wouldn’t ever think about this (at least I used to be in the other side), it hurts me so much you know? Considering that all the things you trusted and believed as trueness has collapsed in pieces to pieces. Nothing is left. Now I have to start from the lowest level. My life is being constructed again, and this time only by me. There’s no one out there who could help (of course other side of the world is more interesting in thought).
That’s pity, now I feel like an alien (or should I change the title into ‘alien’? sounds good idea) in my races. I don’t know how to react, this is completely out of my control. I never dream that my life is going to be this different. Throwing away by society, can’t have a same perception of life, always standing by my side (no one would understand). Oh yeah, I’m trying to be the same again, god knows I’ve tried so hard. But even god doesn’t allow me to change anymore (Damn You!!!). What have I done to You ???!!! (I repeat this for a thousand times)
Here I am, writing down all my sorrow. Begging a mercy for what I’ve done before, even though I know it wouldn’t come anyway. (I feel like to scream to everything I see, probably).
I’m so frustrated. I’d like to tell to someone, but I’m so so afraid. I surely know the reaction, it even gets worse. I keep making it secretly, I hope no one would ever notice. I keep pretending everything is gone normally, but in my mind I know it never be the same again.
Here I am, listening to the music, my only pleasure. Trying to be someone else, someone else out there, someone else not me.
Oh I wished I never been born (Can I have this option for the first time??? Can I?? )
